You’ve gotta be one cold MF to be this socially awkward — I want to preface this article by saying, I am not who you think I am. Over the screen, I appear to be this charming little goofball who’s got mad jokes and can occasionally write a legible sentence. Occasionally, okay. I’ve been misleading you all, and I apologize for that…

Three minutes on why we really don’t need to be hugging all the dang time. — I am not a hugger. I like hugging my kids because I made them, but that’s basically where my affinity for physical touch ends. So basically, the worst situation in the world is when someone is opening up to me, or in turn, I’m opening up to them (just because…

Not every story needs to be front page news — I often think about how I chose the wrong profession. Well, maybe “profession” is a strong word considering I only average a few hundo (I regret to admit that I can’t stop using the phrase “hundo” now) a month on this hustle. Still, I can’t help but wonder why I’m…

We are all tiny, almost-round stones — I am sitting on my therapist’s couch (just like in the movies!) and struggling to get the words out of my mouth hole. I want to effectively convey the insecurity that rushes through my bones during the waking hours of my life. I don’t know when this acute self-consciousness bore…

That time I tried to teach a coworker a lesson — When I was 7 months preggers with my son, I weighed approximately the same as a narwal. I was sweaty all the time and slick to the touch mimicking the famed unicorn of the sea. Short of having a long sharp horn on my head, I was quite reminiscent of…

Kids are so incredibly smart these days and I’m here for it — “Have a nice day, ladies!” As the Walmart greeter says it, I immediately bristle, hoping that my son didn’t hear. “Ladies?” he says with a laugh. We keep walking. We had spent the morning looking for sales so he could use up a few of the gift cards he had…

When the time comes, you’ll thank me for this — #1 — It Begins In the depths of my dark and murky soul, I genuinely believe that the greatest superpower in the world would be the ability to detect people’s horniness. Hear me out. Hear me out. Never again would you find yourself in that awkward position where you lean in to kiss a…

The gift that reminded me how strong our relationship still is — *Disclaimer: If you are offended by drawings of cartoon peni (that’s the plural right?) then scroll no further please. Sometimes I worry that over the last 12 years, mine and my husband’s relationship has shifted in some detrimental way. Ten years ago, when we were twenty-somethings, with two young babes…

Things I ruthlessly teach to strange children on the side of the road — It concerns me that almost every single story I write begins with me walking my dog. I know what you people must be thinking — is that all she ever does? Walk that damn dog of hers? Why yes. Yes, it is. My dog is morbidly obese, and I’m trying…