Also, more tales about George the parrot — Shit, I grabbed the wrong tomatoes. I realize this, and immediately the correct can comes to mind — bright red, with life-size chunks of tomatoes pictured on the label. As I scan this imposter through the self-checkout machine, I realize these are stewing tomatoes. …

Seriously, I’m thinking of switching over, but I need more data — Last night, as I snuggled in bed with my book (Contact by Carl Sagan), my husband entered the room to tuck me in. That sounds weird, but he and I live on opposite sleep schedules. I’m a morning person, and he’s a night hawk. (He thinks “night owl” sounds too…

It’s too early in the damn morning for this — One gets a distinct feeling when they are about to be mowed down by a sleep-deprived or, possibly, still sleeping maniac behind the wheel. It’s an, oh shit, I’m about to be mowed down by a sleep-deprived, or possibly, still sleeping maniac kind of feeling. With my heart thumping wildly…

Bueller? Bueller? Bueller? — I can’t remember the exact details of the day I first experienced Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Was I sitting on the couch with Dad on a lazy Sunday afternoon, dreaming about the day I, too, would be a crafty, scheming teenager? Perhaps I was already a teenager and skipping school…

Lessons in customer service and community — I’ve forgotten how to talk with strangers. The thought occurs to me as I attempt to pour an Irish Red with the perfect amount of head foam. …

Observations and incidents — 1.Every morning when I awake, my entire body pops. As I shuffle to my coffee pot, my spine sounds like milk hitting a bowl of Rice Krispies. It’s snap-crackle and poppin’ all over the place. 2. I’ve started speed walking to work because I’m such an old bag of bones…

A story about the natural life cycle of warmth — Teenagers run away from wood-burning stoves. At least the teenagers from my generation did. I mean, at least, as a teenager, I did. I can’t recall other teens with a wood-burning stove at home, so that first statement is a generalization. In the early spring of my grade three year…

Life is tough, sleeping shouldn't have to be — You know that feeling when you’re out of your head on shrooms and don’t know what to do with your arms? …

Incidents and observations — 1.I go to kiss Jamie sweetly on the forehead as he lounges on the couch. As I narrow in on my man, he flinches as though he is suddenly frightened. I say, “What are you scared of me or something?” and I laugh. He replies in all seriousness, “You know…