You Might Be Awkward If You Have To Google Relatable Talking Points For Casual Conversation
8 conversation starters I found on the internet and still managed to make awkward.
I’ve always thought of myself as an adorably charming, awkward person. You know, like those gorgeous women in movies who trip over their own feet and fall gracefully to their asses only to have the most handsome man in the world reach down a hand to help them up. The woman, who is self admittedly “such a clutz,” stumbles over her words endearingly and blushes uncontrollably when she says, “Oh, thanks for the handsome — Uh, I mean hand! Oh God, I’m such a fool!”
Yeah, that’s me all the way. Except I tend to lean in real close to people I’ve just met and ask them what they reckon about this weird rash I have developing above my eye. I feel that if I acknowledge the rash before they even have a chance to notice it, pointing out the hideous disfigurement of my face will make their eventual notice of it an easier transition.
I’m actually not too terrible at small talk, but when people want to get super personal and deep, that’s when things start getting fucked up. Oh yeah, according to most of my friends and family, I probably swear too much too. Just the other day, I said to my ten-year-old, “Oh my Gawd, you will not believe this crazy fucking thing that happened to me today.” And she told me I really need to stop cursing so much in front of her friends.
So, in hopes of becoming better at humaning, I turned to where all socially anxious and awkward people go for advice — Google.
Here’s a list of some of the proposed “conversation starters” that random writers on the internet think help teach people how to communicate more effectively.
How long have you worked at your job?
I once read a study saying that you shouldn’t ask people about their work because sometimes people feel embarrassed or ashamed of their work. So actually, this is a taboo topic. Despite knowing this, I still always ask what someone does for a living.
And if they say, “I’m a Walmart greeter.”
I reply enthusiastically, “Oh. My. God. That is so friggen cool. You must see the best weirdo’s come through those doors. Tell me all your stories!”
Typically we move on nicely from there.
So what do you think of our current political situation?
Okay, this was a bizarre suggestion to come across when looking for CASUAL conversation starters. Who the hell is bringing up politics in casual conversation? Anyway, I guess it would make for a great battle to the death starter.
Here in Alberta, the big Conservatives VS NDP (New Democrat Party) debate is seemingly never-ending. So if and when I find myself in the crossfire of yet another debate about the future of Alberta’s economy, I usually try to say something like, “Well, you didn’t hear it from me, see, but I heard that tom fooler Jason Kenney is nothing but a low-down spy for the Liberal government back in Ontario. He’s just putting on his conservative, “Let’s make Alberta rich again” hat to get dem der votes!
And then I step back and observe the confused-chaos that ensues after that.
So…How bout them sports?
I can’t even remember how the experts told me to phrase this question because I have no ability to retain sports-talk in my brain whatsoever.
The closest I can get is, “Hey, did you guys hear that Tom Brady was named the greatest (very long pause) athlete? He’s a football player, right?”
What are the exact coordinates to your home, where you sleep at night?
The author of one of these blog posts made clear that I should absolutely not ask my small talk recipient where they live because that’s weird to ask someone who you’ve only known for a few short minutes.
I disagree. By aggressively insisting that they tell you their address, you are adding some adventure to the conversation.
Will this person who clearly does not know how to regulate her own emotions in a socially acceptable way come to my home in the middle of the night and peer through my windows? Perhaps. What a wild ride talking to her has been!
Ask about their upcoming plans…And then make it clear you will be attending these plans without an invitation to them.
The experts say you should leave this question to the first part. Leaving an open-ended option for your new pal to invite you to any plans they may have. However, I believe that inviting yourself into their life will only further prove that you are a worthwhile individual to spend time with.
What kind of sense of humour do you have?
You guys, this was literally a question that these “conversation experts” suggest you ask someone. Can you imagine some robot coming up to you and stiffly shaking your hand while mechanically saying, “Please? Tell Me Your Specific Taste in Humor. Now.”
So that’s exactly what I’ve started to do with new and prospective friends.
Do you think Jeniffer Aniston is hot?
The actual suggested question to this was, “Who are some of your favourite actors?” But that seemed boring to me. The “Is Jennifer Anniston Hot” question works so much better on so many more levels!
Of course, the answer to this question is always a resounding, “YES, so hot!” It doesn’t matter how old Jennifer Anniston gets. She is always the prettiest person alive — I’m almost 100% sure of this. So with that in mind, you and your new conversation buddy will be able to agree on something without the terrifying pretense of somehow insulting one another. Nobody could ever be put off by Jenn’s astounding beauty.
Have you seen the video of the lawyer who gets a cat-face filter stuck on his screen?
Again, I’ve taken it upon myself to change this conversation starter slightly. Instead of asking a boringly generic question like “Have you watched any good YouTube videos lately?” I would suggest pulling out your phone to all of the random strangers you come across throughout the day and, while hysterically laughing, show them the lawyer cat-filter video.
Like, seriously. Funniest thing ever. Watch it right, meow.
And there you have it, concrete evidence as to why I cannot manage to be an average person with ordinary communicative skills. But when it comes down to it, I think normal is just a little too overrated anyway.