Why Are You Eating Grass? And Other Notes For My Dog.
Re: Why Are You Eating Grass?
I looked it up today; apparently, you either have a vitamin deficiency, or you are bored. Judging from the recent increase in your daily walkies, I have decided to take a trip to the pet store to find you nutrient-rich dog food.
I love you,
Your Human
Re: Your Butt Is Not As Small As You Think It Is.
I’m not saying this to hurt your feelings. I love you too much to do anything like that. However, you are an eighty-pound German Shepherd. When You nonchalantly crawl on top of me while I am watching The Office, I sometimes find it difficult to breathe. If you happen to kill me byways of butt-smother, I won’t be able to take you on your walkies anymore. I only point this out because I love you.
Best,
Your Human
Re: Please Stop Eating that Deer Shit.
I can understand the temptation, don’t get me wrong. A delicious pile of deer pellets must be quite tantalizing. However, I don’t know what the effects of eating wild animal poo are for you. It could make you sick. Is it the same as grapes or chocolate? I have no clue! So this is why I ardently tug you away from the feces each time you try to start gobbling it down on our walks. I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.
Warm Regards,
Your Human
Re: There Are Other Ways To Show The Kids You Love Them.
I know how much you want to tell the kids you love/dominate them by crawling on top of their tiny backs and humping them vigorously. Nevertheless, they are quite small still, and your doing so confuses and scares them. Perhaps you might try a gentler approach by placing your paw in their arm or allowing them to pet you nicely. I believe this would give you better results in the affection department.
With love,
Your Human
Re: Why don’t you respond to “Drop It?”
Like, is there a better word I could be using? Would you prefer “release” as if you are some kind of police dog releasing the arm of a drug dealer? Rather than a house pet who has stolen her owner’s last pair of socks and are currently getting doggy slobber all over them. I am open to suggestions.
Please respond,
Your Human
Re: Have you seen my wallet?
I’m sure this is entirely my fault, but have you seen my wallet? The last time I had it was after getting home from the store, I came into the back yard to see you. I remember placing it on the patio table, and the next thing I knew, it was gone. Now, I’m not accusing you of anything, but I am a little worried that it has become a part of your burial merchandise.
You can tell me the truth, is my wallet now hidden beneath the tomato plants along with that one pair of gardening gloves, my sandal, the hedge clippers, the barbecue lighter, and your red leash?
I’m just wondering if I need to cancel my credit cards or not.
A speedy response would be appreciated.
Human
