An A-Z list of life hacks to slay the incompetency within you!
Tips & Tricks from a writer who has drunk too many gin & tonics.
Always listen to celebrities about hair care.
Have you seen famous people’s hair? So shiny, so lustrous. There is no way you can go wrong with that $300 hair straightening kit if it makes your locks look even half as beautiful as one of the famous Jenn’s out there.
Be open to new experiences.
Well, to a point.
Clean your butt regularly.
I hope this does not need an explanation.
Don’t be a dickhole to undeserving people.
But definitely be a dickhole to those who cross you.
Everyone deserves fundamental human rights.
Be an ally to people who need it most. This isn’t a joking matter.
Forget all of the terrible/mortifying things that you have ever done in your life. Like that one time, you puked all over your brother’s living room after a particularly awful night of shots and karaoke.
This may prove difficult if you do not have one of those Men in Black memory eraser thingies. Yes, I just made a MIB reference. I might be ancient.
Your health is no joke, man. Eat the veggies, do the moving and just learn to somewhat enjoy it.
And if you don’t like sex, do whatever it is that gets you feeling fantastic about your body.
Every six months or so, my brother and I make a point of getting together, getting shit-canned and having a very detailed chat about how we would make the world a better place. It may not be the healthiest form of therapy, but it is definitely the most rewarding.
Just fuck around for a while.
Everyone should have those memories of a time when they couldn’t care less about anything. A time when you lived off of Cheetos and Ichiban noodles and couch surfed and never worried about how much you were screwing up your life.
Keep on keeping on.
Life is stressful. It’s the worst once the full extent of adulating kicks in, and you are drowning in debt, and everyday life worries. Just remember to keep moving forward. Eventually you will weather the shit-storm.
Learn from anyone.
The dishwasher at work might have some useful cooking tips. That newbie writer might have fingers like silk. Always be on the lookout for learning opportunities.
Make new friends.
Much like in kindergarten, making friends in adult life can be a terrifying prospect. Go out, be weird and find your fellow weirdos. They are probably out there being anti-social and awkward too, so you might have to dig around to find them.
New ideas might be scary, but they are necessary to progress.
Plain and simple. Stop fighting growth.
Originality is key.
Sure it’s nice to watch the influencers and half-naked Instagrammers we have plugging up our social media sites in today’s day and age. And yes, it is very tempting to study their every move in hopes of becoming them…let me clarify, not becoming LIKE them, but actually becoming them.
Then we could sneak into their room at night and steal their lives. But, that could also result in some pretty hefty fraud charges and an extended stay in your local penitentiary, and that would be the opposite of living a happy, healthy life.
So instead, do some soul searching and figure out who you are.
Peel oranges in the shape of elephant heads.
Or, if you’re a sicko like me, peel oranges in the shape of an unnaturally long penis with balls on the side. This accomplishment will undoubtedly fill you with happiness and joy every time you eat an orange with a hilariously long penis peel.
Quit acting crazy.
Be crazy. Then everyone will be scared of you, and you will rule with an iron fist.
Recharge when necessary.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself and instead rest and relax.
Save the rain forest.
Because that’s still a thing, right?
Cards on the table — I forgot S in this list and had to come up with something quick before I published.
Maybe you will fall on your ass in front of a large group of people who will immediately start pointing and laughing at you. Who knows, that’s where the whole take chances thing comes in.
Do you feel bad about that time you told your entire high school class that a girl you didn’t like had crabs, and for the rest of the school year, she was known as Crabby the Crabster? Reach out to Crabby and say you’re sorry. Maybe you will gain a new lifelong friend, or, maybe you’ll get punched in the face. Take that chance and make things right.
Vow to do.
Just stop thinking about doing the things and go out and do the things. Come on, friend, you’re too old to be screwing around with doubt.
Wish upon a shooting star.
My wishes have never come true, but I hold steady to the idea that one day all of my issues will be solved due to that one wish I wished so long ago.
And that will be one hell of a day, man.
Xenophobe — don’t you dare be one!
Again, no explanation necessary. I hope.
You are enough.
You are okay the way you are. Be you and be happy with the person you’ve evolved into.
Except, of course, if you are a xenophobe, then just fucking grow with the rest of us, guy.