Memories of growing up in a tourist town — Is there anything better than sitting down on a nest of ass-wipe propped atop a public toilet seat and tucking into all the fantastic words written on a bathroom stall? No. There isn’t anything better. And if you’re about to argue with me, just shut up already. You’re lying to…

Seriously, it’s shockingly white, you guys — Something regrettable happened to me last week while I was peeing in my kids’ bathroom downstairs. Look, I realize that saying there was a “growth” on the bathroom wall is weird. But that’s precisely what it was. …

Weird title, but I have a point I swear — Yesterday my follower count on Medium went from 3.3K to 3K in less than an hour. I haven’t even been writing on Medium much lately, so it seemed strange that 300 people decided to say “fuck that chick” in less than an hour. Then I remembered that sometimes Medium does…

Shame spiralling all over this damn place — I understand in the deepest recesses of my soul that writing three (count ’em three) articles about inadvertently nip-slipping in public places may seem like overkill. And as much as I am never bored with the antics of my meat mountains (who am I kidding? They’re muffin mounds at best)…

Because uselessly worrying leaves me weary with a bad case of gut-rot — I’ve recently learned a nifty method of temporarily relieving myself of the all-encompassing anxiety that usually riddles my waking life. …

Showing my daughter my favourite movie helped me understand its message better — WARNING: Spoilers ahead — if you have yet to experience The Rocky Horror Picture show stop everything you’re doing and go watch it now. I’ll wait. *Shivers with antici…pation!* There is no greater joy in the world than seeing Tim Curry fabulously clad in fishnets, stilettos and that iconic sparkling…

My life is quickly becoming the punchline of a very bad joke — There’s been a lot of dead animals on the streets lately. Is it the end times? Perhaps. …

Cool cool cool — I don’t often talk to myself. That would be crazy. If I do find myself speaking aloud while I’m the only person in my general vicinity, it’s usually because I’m having an entire conversation with my brain. To be clear, there is a big difference between talking to oneself and…

And I’m here to ruin some memories — Look, no one said it would be easy to be this annoying, but the French horns are doing a solo right now that sounds like an enormous fart, and I’m going to make the most of it. Let me tell you a little story, lady. Once upon a time, my…