This advice may save your life while definitely ruining your mental health — Last night, as I lay in bed trying to sleep, I imagined my house burning to the ground. In our carport, there are 2 bags of dry leaves awaiting transport to wherever it is one disposes of dry leaves. In my mind’s eye, it’s a field that reaches as far…

A story about learning to drive in possibly the worst conditions, ever — My affair with the 1995 Ford Aerostar, was brief and noncommittal. The only previous engagement I had with the beast up until that point was stealing smashed-down cigarette butts from the overflowing ashtray upon its enormous, seemingly space station-like dashboard. It is a credit to my dad that he agreed…

A story about marriage and cooking — There are moments when I look at my husband and think, you may be the most annoying human I’ve ever been in contact with. It could be while I’m trying to write and he keeps coming into my office asking me dumb questions like, “What should we do for dinner”…

Correction: I kind of met my new neighbours today — Well, this is awkward. Allow me to paint you a picture of what is happening at this exact moment. The new neighbours finally moved into the house next door. I am a deeply antisocial human being, so as is the case when anything peopley occurs around me, I try to…

Believe me, I’d never lie to you guys — Tiny rivers of blood trickle through dirty bath water. I notice the blood only after it attaches itself to the bright yellow cargo pants I’m trying to wring out by hand. The pants are not mine. They’re men’s work pants — heavy and soiled with mud and oil. I’m crying…

Oh, the difficulties of parenthood — I stand dead-eyed and mouth agape in front of the cereal aisle at my local Walmart. I understand deep in my soul that if I choose incorrectly once again, my family will never let me forget it. The selection is seemingly unending — from Fruit Loops to Granola to mini…

This is a real problem, people — There is something wrong with my shower. Each morning as I drag my body to the bathroom to wash off the previous day’s grunge, I remember, oh yes, now I might die because my showerhead refuses to act like a normal showerhead. …

Harnessing my inner Thanos with the power of intention — October 17th, 2010–1:56 AM I am 24 years old and 8 months pregnant. I’m perched atop my on-suite toilet, silently willing the baby growing inside me to move away from my bulging bladder. I’m trying to be quiet. …

Oh, how it burns! — When I was 23 years old, an acquaintance of mine said these exact words to me, “Whenever you talk, Lindsay, I automatically start to hear birds flapping off into the distant sky.” It took me a little while to understand what she meant because this joker clearly didn’t have the…